Oh.

The problem with having/hosting/owning/writing/etceteraing multiple blogs is that you forget what things aren’t going where.

My last post regarding acu & tinnitus should have gone over to DAOMjourney, but instead ended up here on retention. There’s some irony in there somewhere.

Anyway… I’m in school now, working toward getting a piece of paper that will let me legally Doctor at people. For Chinese medicine. Isn’t that funny?

School is full time, all the time, and it has to be like that or I’ll lose whatever is left after the last nervous breakdown.

Brak passed on to better worlds than these. J and I are legally separated at my request. Both of those things suck real bad. Therapy and staying incredibly busy helps, but I’m miserable under all these books.

That’s pretty much it. Everything else is just me moving along mindlessly, waiting for the days to pass into bedtimes. The dreams are never good anymore, but at least I’m not awake for them.

On another blog, I said “yeah, looks like this wasn’t one of my happier posts.  i don’t know if i can do those anymore.“
After careful consideration, it looks like that’s just how it is from here on out. I’m finding some false comfort in almost being able to stop apologizing for that.

Follow me around on Instagram or the above-lined DAOMjourney if you’re interested in medicine, yoga, or my professional persona where I artfully ignore the elephant that resides in my brain. I don’t know what future posts (here) will bring.

Research Topic – Tinnitus and Acupuncture

We are sometimes assigned projects that require us not just to consider a topic, but to strengthen our skillset – such as writing in APA format. It is often ….less than fun, that latter part.

Regardless, I was most recently tasked with selecting an acu-related research topic and write a short paper about it, using data that supported claims regarding the topic’s significance in the field. As follows, a condensed version:

Research Topic – Tinnitus and Acupuncture
Larissa Horvath
Pacific College – September 2021
Clinical Research Design & Study

Tinnitus and Acupuncture

Tinnitus is one of, if not the sole greatest mystery of ENT-related disorders. This challenging diagnosis brings with it a myriad of frustration, multiple causes, numerous symptoms, and an unfortunate death-by-suicide statistic (Institute, E. N. T. (2021, April 12)). Many of us have experienced minor variations: a slight ringing in the ears, perhaps a brief high-pitched buzz, a residual bout of vertigo. Others may suffer through years encompassing the spectrum: ringing, static, buzzing, and the accompanying strain on their mental health.

A personal goal that will span the course of my education and career is to successfully treat sufferers of tinnitus, especially veterans. Acupuncture, while no means a foolproof cure, has shown improvement in this regard, which allows for hope in creation of a standard protocol for tinnitus as a chief or secondary complaint. An example of the latter may be a protocol to treat a new and acute episode of tinnitus when it is found to be a byproduct of a viral or bacterial infection.

One article located via PubMed has a goal of formulating “a protocol for systematic review and meta-analysis, which can be employed in assessing the benefits and safety of acupuncture on tinnitus” (Yang, Y., Fu, Q., Fu, L., Wang, X., Zhong, J., & Zhang, Q., 2020) and began by searching seven major databases to review RCT’s, placebos, sham acupuncture and more. The authors stated the results held a concrete result of evaluating acupuncture’s safety and efficacy for the issue at hand. (Yang et al, 2020) This is a promising article to add to the ongoing resource list for tinnitus treatments.

References

Institute, E. N. T. (2021, April 12). Tinnitus and suicidal behavior. Atlanta ENT Institute | Ear, Nose and Throat Specialists in Georiga. Retrieved September 15, 2021, from https://entinstitute.com/tinnitus-and-suicidal-behavior-2

Yang, Y., Fu, Q., Fu, L., Wang, X., Zhong, J., & Zhang, Q. (2020). Effectiveness and safety of acupuncture for treatment of tinnitus: A protocol for systematic review and meta-analysis. Medicine, 99(40), e22501. https://doi.org/10.1097/MD.0000000000022501

Downward Facing Ow

My wrists have been really bugging me lately, and in looking for a yoga practice that takes weight off my hands/wrists, I found this article about why downward facing dog is bad.

Disclaimer: I am not a yoga teacher, nor do I think that my yoga teachers are wrong.  I’m not critiquing them (or any of my past instructors) in any way, and I’m certainly not trying to tell them what to do.  I’m just saying that downward facing dog is my least favorite pose, and the one that I’ve never felt comfortable in. It ALWAYS makes me feel like my wrists are about to break and that circulation is getting cut off in my hands.  My increased upper body strength has helped me shift my weight during this pose, but some days DFD just doesn’t happen for me.  This article about why my wrists hurt during DFD helped me focus on a few things to begin correcting it, but spending more than a few moments each day in this pose is not something I look forward to.  (Which is funny, considering that pigeon pose is one of my favorite ways to open up.)

In a recent class focusing on healthy backs, I learned about the joy of getting hauled up by your hips using two straps, and the immediate relief of stress in my hands, wrists, and lower back was epic.  For a brief moment it reminded me of how someday I will do aerial yoga, but then I sunk back into the relaxation of my hands not hurting.

 

The thing with downward facing dog (DFD), sometimes called Adho Mukha Svanasana, sometimes called down dog, sometimes called ugh, is that there are many tiny adjustments you can make to build strength and gain comfort, but also to learn the pose better.  I can’t find the reference right now, but I once read that when you feel totally comfortable in DFD, you’re able to begin practicing it.

I want to have a better time in DFD – it’s a major part of a sequence for so many other enjoyable poses, and it makes me feel strong.  But man, it is ROUGH.  (I almost said ‘ruff’. You’re welcome.)

There’s an interesting comment on the article I mentioned earlier that has a type of checklist to prepare you for downward facing dog.  To summarize in what appears to be order of difficulty:
– Can you hold a forearm plank for 50 seconds?
– In pushup position, can you lift a hand from the floor without twisting or flexing your trunk?
– Can you do 3 pushups with your feet on a higher surface than your hands?
– While standing, can you lift a knee toward your belly without flexing your lower back?

 

So many poses, so little time.  I’m curious as to how others feel about this pose, and how they’ve adjusted their practice to accommodate or remove it.

Meanwhile, the animal kingdom continues to kick our butts.

Thoughts on the State of Things

I skipped yoga class today to give my body a bit of a break.  My body was asking nicely but persistently, like a polite six-year-old wanting ice cream, so I took the path of least resistance and opted for a day off from the studio.

I’m instead spending the morning doing domestic things and sipping chamomile tea to calm my anxiety so that I can have coffee and remind myself of the difference between caffeinated energy and a panic attack.

My anxiety has been growing since I read an article about Donald Trump’s ghostwriter.  I don’t make a habit of reading the New York/er/Times/Post, but I started because of this astoundingly hipster marriage announcement that was just … a delight to read.  A true delight.  I am at a loss for words, but not at a loss for ALL the available side eye to provide to that couple.

But the article about the ghostwriter …it’s given me nightmares.  Actual nightmares.  I want to inform myself by looking up the platforms of both candidates, but I cannot do it.  I feel this awful loathing toward informing myself on The Real State of Things, because if I see something that I don’t like, I alone do not have the power to change it immediately.  For those of you who have an irrational fear of something like…checking voicemails, or your bank account, it’s that same feeling.

Everyone I’ve talked to, or read (their tweets / posts / etc) are in some state of mixed terror-ennui, with a healthy dose of WTF.  I thought about Pokemon Go (and its inane fun to collect small things that remind me of how much I loved Tamagotchi), and then thought about how people are disgruntled and saying it’s a distraction from what’s really going on.  I thought about #BLM and #ALM and how people of any color are just killing people for no reason other than hating the color of the other person’s skin.  I thought about how things like this have happened for so long but only recently (in the scope of humanity’s timeline) that it’s been so widely publicized.  I thought of how I may only hear the same sentiment because I – like so many others – am friends with, or follow, people with similar interests.  It makes sense in some scale: you don’t associate with people who are adamantly not like you, or against things that you enjoy.  Excuse the broad brush, but if you’re a recovering alcoholic, you aren’t going to hang with your college buddies that only play beer pong or do bar crawls.

I started wondering… how can we mix everyone’s ideas?  How can someone Uber-Right talk with someone Uber-Left, and keep it to an intelligent roar?   How can someone, trained from childhood that the right thing to do is kill someone with different religious beliefs, have a discussion with someone who has different religious beliefs?  How can someone of one color who hates someone of another color have a discussion about why they feel that way?  Not a fight, not a riot, a discussion.  I’m not saying change the beliefs, I’m saying let’s change the approach.  Ask questions.  Why do you feel like this?  It’s not everyone …who feels this way, against your beliefs.  I just want to help.  I just want it to not be so awful.

I thought about starting a thing of just talking to people with vastly different opinions of mine, with a goal of having a discussion.  It might change their perspective, it might change mine, but we’d both come away with different points of view.  We could agree to disagree, if we really couldn’t find anything in common.  I think I’m open to that.  If one person, for example, a person of one race that really hates people of another race, wanted to talk about why they felt that way, I’d be interested in talking with them as long as they attempted to have a discussion and not a shouting match.  One by one.  We can do this.

I thought of the lifestyle changes I’ve made recently and how they’ve helped me, and then I read an article about how wellness and self-care are bullshit to help us not pay attention to large-scale issues.  Which might be true, and which did not a single bit of good for my anxiety, but I’m trying to think of it this way:  I know how I feel when I take time for myself, and that INCLUDES reading cheesy motivational stuff.  I tell people about it because I feel great, and I want them to experience the same feelings.  And I know how I felt before, which was not great.  My new positive-ish outlook then gives me more energy and more motivation to help others, and if I can put just ONE person in a positive mood, maybe they’ll help or motivate someone else.  Maybe that ONE person will be nicer, and someone else will notice.  Maybe someone will be in a good enough mood to discuss tough issues and change someone else’s ideas on bad things.  It might start a chain.  It might not, but you never know.  All I know for certain is how I feel.

Here, have some background music.  And hopefully a good day.

 

 

 

Oh Five Hundred

It’s o-dark-thirty, I have my morning tea, and the cats are pleading for my attention.

Today’s 0600 yoga class is one of my favorites, and so despite very little sleep last night (due to terrifying thoughts of The Election, which is akin to thinking cantsleepclownswilleatme in terms of lulling yourself to dreamland), I find myself up at 0500.  I think I may have actually created… a habit?

It seems completely wrong to be doing anything else right now other than getting ready for class, though when my brain discovers (halfway through some forearm work) that we are no longer in bed, I’m sure things will feel much less pleasant.

Here’s my current background noise.  Call me Stuart Smalley.

 

Mostly Harmless

I skipped yoga class this past Sunday and Monday in favor of nurturing my muscles – apparently my hammies didn’t get the notice about my new schedule – and caught up on some domestic items. There is this growing inner guilt about skipping a day at the studio, because if I’m not going every day then clearly I am not trying hard enough, but there’s a fine line between hobby and obsession.

Part of my therapy is remembering, actively, the differences between “need to do” and “want to do”. Do you need to go to the studio every day? No. Do you want to do yoga every day? Yes. Do you need to? No. But there’s no reason a day of meditation can’t be found throughout cleaning your home and grocery shopping. (Thank you, Apartment Therapy and Pinterest.) Add in a few conscious stretches and it’ll be okay. You don’t need to watch a half-hour long video. You don’t need to do a 28-day challenge.  Moving furniture around and vacuuming will certainly burn off some calories, as will taking a walk. (This is not where we talk about Pokemon Go.) Lighter days like that will also probably help that deep-seated ache in your glutes, which was self-inflicted by taking a 2-hour bheemashakti class on Monday, then a 1-hour vinyasa level 1-2 class on Tuesday, followed a few hours later by a 75-minute healing class. So, that’s my gentle reminder to myself to take it a little easy today, so that I don’t spend the rest of this week in a sedentary fashion.

Speaking of vinyasa, I finally got to take a class from Miss Heather Stants, whom I’ve always found to be inspiring. Considering how long she’s been in the dance-and-bodywork game, it wasn’t surprising to find that she’s a good yoga teacher as well.

I am even enjoying – yes, really and truly enjoying – the 6AM start time. For real.

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But the reason for this post today is because COCONUTS.

Oil, water, chopped, shredded, om nom nom.

I hate the taste (mouthfeel? texture?) of coconut in solid form, but I love the smell. And then I discovered Dr. Bronner’s coconut oil.

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This was after using what I did not realise was inferior refined oil from Vons.  The oil was inferior because I say so, but also because I’ve done research that I am too lazy to link back to right this moment.. A bit further along there came a day I was out on Errands and got thirsty, as you do. Stopped by Trader Joe’s for a little produce and noticed Harmless Coconut Water.

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The coconut water was cold, delicious, and …pink. So I did some research and after several tests, ice-cold Harmless Harvest is my favorite and makes me feel the best.

In closing, a non-haiku:

I tried it, it was delicious, I was hooked
Then found out about Dr. Bronner’s
Now it is in all the things
Please try it
Because yum.

That’s all. Have a nice day.

Them Orange Handcuffs

I had the My Pet Monster. I had the cuffs. And this is AWESOME.

Let Us Take A Moment To Raise Our Glasses

Hi!  Hey, how’s it going?  Good?  Great.  I’d like to take a moment to talk about something fun (to switch it up), and do a shout-out.  A birthday shoutout, even.  You see, my friend has deactivated her Facebook BUT I’m still going to write a post and then link it on my Facebook because there are quite a few of our mutual friends there, and I still want to share the love with the Internets.  🙂

ANYWAY.  Story time!

Once upon a time there was this girl who liked to dance.  She was like…five, or some such crap.  [Look, it’s what you do in PA. You go to dance class. You wear the feathers.]

That girl’s name was Maria.

I too enjoy dancing (and had to wear an equally horrendous spangled outfit), but that’s not why we met.  We met because we grew up in a town of like sixty people, and our moms went to high school together.  (This is not a Your Mom joke, so shut up.)  Anyway, we met when we were in ….first grade, I think.  I distinctly recall being in sixth grade together but it gets kind of fuzzy then and I’m about three feet tall in the photo below so let’s just call it first grade.

We met, and she was awesome, and we went to places like Sea World together.

We did other stuff together that kids do.  Painting and such.  Here we are being very serious about painting pumpkins.  The focus! The intensity! The …..fashion.  Don’t fight the fashion. Don’t act like you don’t want both a jean jacket and an Aliquippa sweatshirt because you know you do.

So, me and this Maria chick got along pretty well.  We went on a crapload of adventures. Some of them involved stuff like pony riding and being very serious about petting zoos.

I didn’t enjoy all the parts of the petting zoo, but it was still pretty fun.

Time passed, grades passed, and oh yeah we were in the same homeroom for all four years of high school (not to mention we were in the BEST homeroom).  I’m third from the left and she’s second from the right, and again, please pay attention to ALL the glorious 90’s attire.

School continued, and we kept going on adventures – we went to Cedar Point! We got sunburned! It was awesome! We all wore scrunchies and some of us opted to look like a crackhead in the photos.

We graduated in 1999, because that was a great year, and I’d also like to take a moment to send love to my other ’99 Band Crew.  🙂

Maria and I kept in touch, and time passed.

Fast forward to when she came out to San Diego to visit me (in 2006ish?).  I introduced her to a friend of mine, and then a couple years later introduced her to another friend of mine who would be taking their engagement photos.

Her wedding was at the Bellagio in Vegas in 2009, and it was awesome.  I did the wedding makeup for her and her maid of honor – not like they even needed any, but it’s a weddin’. You get dolled up. 🙂

The event was amazing.

We partied a whole freaking lot.

All of us partied, even Jason.

More time passed, and she got all glammed up and came to my wedding in 2011.

She’s always super classy, in case you didn’t know.

We generally are always really freaking fabulous, also in case you didn’t know.

Her mom made little candies as favors for my wedding, which was both thoughtful and delicious.

We still have adventures!  She partied with me in Phoenix, one of my favorite cities during the months of November to February, and introduced me to a whole crew of people who (like her) are extra fabulous.

So, the short version is that this chick is SUPER EPIC ULTRA MEGA FANTASTIC, and I am happy that we are still friends, and need the whole internet to wish her a happy birthday.  We may not have a ton of photos together, but that’s because it’s hard to take them and be in them at the same time.  😉

Happy birthday to one of my favorite yinzers.  Here’s to many more shenanigans, you crazy broad.  Muahahaha!

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Titles

Every time I clean the house, I want to tell the internet.  HEY!  Hey, my house is clean! Okay, it’s not pristine but… but I’ve done things.  Adult things.  It’s cool.

Last night I reactivated my Pinterest account, and that was kind of fun.  Everybody likes bookmarking, right?  This gives you pictures as well.  That’s nice.  Browsing boards and updating my own stuff got me remembering how much I enjoy healthy eating (veggies om nom nom), so looking through the pictures inspired me to make a big list of groceries to buy.

Today I went and bought the groceries, am working on meal plans for the week (because you can’t eat good food if you don’t buy it first), cleaned the kitchen (!!!), reorganized the utility area by the washer-dryer (!!!!!!!!!!), updated the cats’ litter area (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and put things in the shed (NO PUNCTUATION AVAILABLE).  [FYI, I am terrified of our shed.]

Uh, then I actually put all my groceries away, threw out the old crap in the fridge, cleaned off my desk, and am now getting ready to crochet another cup cozy for J’s coworker.

Woot, I crocheted it! Crotch-et-ed. That’s how we pronounce it because we’re classy. Heyyy it’s a thing I made and it’s functional. Aw yeah.

We don’t have a pantry but I’m planning on reorganizing our storage areas (which are um, not really much of any storage areas).  On top of the fridge, in the hutch, one big drawer, and the shelves on the microwave stand.  I guess that will help me keep on top of what’s available to make and also make it easier to make.

That might not have made sense, but whatever.

In other news, I’m trying to cope with the mental madhouse my brain has become. It feels like lots of little birds are trying to build nests, take flight, and kill each other. And they’re all telling me how awful I am.  I’m not coping really well with all the stress lately.

Anyway, at least my kitchen is clean.

NO SERIOUSLY CATS WHY ARE YOU PLAYING IN THE LITTER KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a great night.

So We Got Robbed And This Is The Post Where I Talk About That

For years I’ve said – and believed –t hat the only consistency in my life is inconsistency.  My mantra has proved itself correct once again.

I spent a good part of yesterday evening cleaning glass out of our kitchen sink.

It came from a broken window, which is how people got in.

Again.

The FIRST time they broke in they were able to jimmy the window open so there wasn’t really a mess.

Let me reiterate – we got robbed three weeks ago. Nearly three weeks exactly; the first incident was March 26.  I noted (with mild amusement) that my last blog post was made on March 26, about how things were going well but it was a bit hectic.

They took some electronics, jewelry, weapons; little stuff.  They left the window open, didn’t hurt the kitties, there wasn’t really that much of a mess (except a bunch of things hastily pulled open / looked through).  Someone jimmied the kitchen window open, let their partner in through the back door, they were fairly…uh, polite? Respectful?  I only use those words because they didn’t break or mess up things too badly.  It still sucked, but it was kind of easier to cope with because there was less of a mess.  I spent the entire night cleaning, crying a little here and there, and generally feeling disappointed in humanity.

We fixed the window.  We got things set up with the police, our insurance, a security system inspection (originally scheduled for 4/29).  All buzz words that people ask – checkpoints.  “Did you call the cops? Did you call your insurance? What about an alarm?”  Yes.  We got all that taken care of.  I didn’t sleep for two nights but the trauma kind of… was easier to push down and start building a wall around.  We talked about what we should do to make our home more secure and started discussing what we need to do to move.  We told very few people about it – close friends and family, people that we would normally trust to watch our house, that kind of thing, but we kept it quiet.  You don’t really talk about that kind of stuff because of paranoia and also it’s really rather exhaustive.  I stopped checking in on social media, and kind of withdrew overall.  There were a few days of just sitting, trying to reorganize.  The stress did a number on both of us both physically and mentally, but we began to recover and I even started to feel like I had some energy to do anything besides lie on the couch and read.

Yesterday, the house got broken into AGAIN.  Jason came home from work around 330 and found the mess.

The mess.

First, all kitties are safe and accounted for.

Second, aside from a cloth carry-bag from a local hotel and some change, they didn’t take anything, except our remaining peace of mind.

They busted the window over the kitchen sink.  Glass and dishes were everywhere.

Bedroom: all the drawers dumped out, jewelry box again dumped out, closets ransacked, stuff under the bed pulled out.  They stepped on the laundry, messed up the furniture/bedding.   This means that – yet again – all the items that they touched needed to be re-washed, including the bedding. There is no worse feeling than knowing some random person is in your house, TOUCHING WHERE YOU SLEEP.

Bathroom: Two tiles that haven’t been sealed onto the bathtub frame had been taped on. They pulled those off, apparently looking for a hidden compartment underneath.  The cats were hiding in there/under the bed, thankfully.

Office: pulled some stuff off the shelves, overturned things under the desk, pulled the drawers out of the storage armoire and pulled more stuff out from inside of it.  Toolboxes we’d nearly forgotten about were dumped out.

Living/dining room: couch cushions flipped, some stuff pulled off the bookshelves. Books on the floor (thankfully not a lot, and MORE thankfully all the library books I borrowed seem to be all accounted for).  The memory box that I made with our wedding stuff was dumped out all over the couch. They ripped an envelope that held my veil.  I thought I would be prepared, but after seeing A) my wedding stuff everywhere, the sugar bowls opened up and rifled through, and a recipe box on the floor, the complete senselessness of it all then resulted in hysterics.

I don’t get hysterical. I don’t have big weeping fits or …scenes.

This time I went outside and sobbed on the porch.  Just a mess.  I tried to take some photos to document but can only post a couple because looking at the rest sets off the terrible thoughts in my head. Jason was able to clean up a little bit, but I was shaking pretty badly so most of the photos came out blurry.  I started shaking when Jason called me to give me the news, and continued on throughout the evening.  I’m still shaking and can’t get warm and it’s 70 degrees.

I’d apologize for Brak’s hair being all over the couch but I just hand-vacuumed it two days ago so I don’t care.  I’d apologize for the mess but …yeah. Whatever.  I want to apologize for not having more stuff but IT GOT STOLEN ALREADY BEFORE WE GOT RANSACKED.

Uh, so here’s what I saw when I walked in. Then I walked back outside and sat on the porch for a long while.

Hey check it out here’s all my memory box stuff from the wedding dumped out and kind of ripped up. That’s cool.

My French press appears to be alright.  Sort of pictured, some broken glass. Not totally pictured, how the sink is filled with broken glass. That’s a big painting that we were using to block the open window to keep the cats in while we cleaned up.  Also the [expletives] left the back door open so thank whatever you want to thank that they didn’t get out.

That’s cool. Just dump that stuff everywhere. I didn’t mind having my laundry hanging up. Or my sheets and towels folded.

I am 900% sure this is not how I left it.

Brak & Loki, accounted for and cute. Still freaked out. In the background you can sort of see how stuff was piled up in the office.

Pris was not having any of it.  She stayed passed out for several hours.  She is accounted for, and equally cute.

I’m not okay.  When stressful things happen to me, my way of coping is to look at each little fact and then find whatever ‘bright side’ can be found within each bit of logic.  It keeps me sane.

That isn’t working here.  I can’t pull any logic from any of it.  It was senseless, reckless, disrespectful, insane.  I can kind of imagine what it feels like to be raped, because I have no sense of safety or peace of mind.  I’m jumpy and unable to relax, plus I don’t want to go home, because the house just feels like a weird hotel.  None of my stuff feels like my stuff.  I feel very homeless; like the only thing I have is our little family, my purse, my Kindle, my computer and my car.

Our plans to move have been bumped up to ‘as soon as possible’.  Obviously we can’t just give a 30 day notice, and obviously we need to save for a down payment.  I am considering starting one of those crowd-funded/kickstarter projects to help us get going but right now though I can’t wrap my head around any of this.  I can’t really process more than one step in advance of what I need to do right this minute.   Like…. okay, next step… shower, set your alarm for work. You have to be in the office at 830AM.  (I’m there now, FYI.)   Okay, that’s good. How about cleaning up the glass on the kitchen counter. Not the floor, don’t think about vacuuming yet.  Okay, go pick up the laundry and just put it all in the hampers. Deal with it later. Just get it off the floor.

Today is hard though.  I’m very exhausted and can’t do anything much except stare out the window of my office, where I am now.  There is a bunch of work-related paperwork to tackle so my next step is to start on the stuff in Inbox 1.

Hopefully the insurance can help us with a little more money so we can add extra bars to the windows, fix the busted window, fix the fence, and replace a couple stolen items.  Our security system install got bumped up to high priority with the company and I think they’ll be able to do it today.

The mess was cleaned up, a very long shower was had, but I still feel broken inside.

This is very draining to talk about which is why I am making kind of a long post in hopes to not talk too much about it further.  I’m not looking for sympathy but this is too much to just hold in.  I am not okay right now though.  That is all.