Hi. How are you? Good? Great. I’m alright, thanks for asking.
It’s morning somewhere else. It’s almost 22:00 here. 9:44pm PST, because my skills are lacking when it comes to telling military time. My math skills in general are lacking. That reminds me: my coworker’s daughter (age 9) was at the office the other day. She was doing her math homework and there were fractions.
Two decades ago, I could do fractions. Now? No fucking way. I know half, and can maybe figure out thirds or quarters. If there wasn’t a percentage calculator online then your humble narrator would be up the infamous creek with no paddle.
Is the proper phrase “I digress”, or “I digressed”? In any case, I’m on a roll so clarification is on hold indefinitely. Sounds good to me.
Did you guys know how BUSY things have been for me? Of course not. Why would you? You’ve all got your own lives, busy – or not, as the case may be. Thank you for reading, if you are.
So what’s really going on with me? I know you care. Like this guy said “I have no idea what’s happening in Libya, but I know everything there is to know about Charlie Sheen.” The whole OMGINTERNET SO SRS thing is really killing me. I don’t care as much as Nice People Protocol says I should about my friends. You know what else that guy (linked above) said that I can totally get behind? This:
So I get out of bed (the couch) and do some laundry and decide to do some online maintenance, and I open FaceBook and read some of the News Feed from my “friends”. Political bullshit, look at my kids, God’s Unending Love, Kiki and RayRay are the Koolest evr!, My baby this, my boo that, My misspekgjhdb onn prpose wrds cuz im kewl.
It’s true, it’s true, it’s SO fucking true and that is another post/rant for another time.
Oh hey, that guy (linked above) is getting married to this chick tomorrow. I’m going. It should be a good time. 🙂 It’s at my work, so at least I can’t get lost. Haha!
Speaking of, work’s been insane lately. This has been somewhat brought upon by myself. I volunteered myself for extra duties several years ago, and it’s catching up with me, my infamous habit of overworking for free. Why? Why do I do these things? It’s because I don’t like representing a company that is super-old-fashioned or just overall behind the technological times, so anything I can do to help bring them up to snuff is going to get done, free or no. Because that’s just how it is in my head. Anyway, that’s been hurting me for a few months now and the stress is starting to build. I haven’t done yoga or been to the gym in a month. I’m all broken out in hives. That’s great. You know why? Because my bachelorette party is this weekend and my wedding is April 23rd. No biggie.
Last year was a hell of a year for me. Things changed, they stayed the same, they self-destructed and went sailing out over the horizon. Bad things and good things had a party in my head and decided to leave me out of it. My depression kicked into overdrive, and I had two breakdowns. I was very, very close to bailing out on my credit score and moving to Mexico… and didn’t tell anyone about much of any of it.
Somewhere around December, my brain took most of the really sad stuff in my head and put it neatly into a “File Away And Don’t Touch” box in the back of my mind. It can’t hurt me right now. Eventually it will, but not right now. I ended up throwing myself full force into planning (and paying) for my own wedding. All of it. I am very, very organized: spreadsheets? Check. Color-coded check. You can’t think about things if your brain is filled with other things, so it’s a good idea to make sure that you’re on work overload as well as personal-shit overload. for me anyway.
This is a ceremony-and-reception for almost a hundred people. Fully catered, open bar, DJ, couture gown, the whole deal. Couture gown? Me? Yes. I got a Pronovias gown. Handmade in Spain. What ……I don’t even.
I’ve been planning this for a VERY VERY VERY long time and now it’s down to a few weeks. Even at my post-alterations fitting last week (which was hot-damn-fabulous), even at every single line item, all of it… it still feels like I’m planning it for someone else. My veil came in, my hairdo trial was lovely, but that’s all for someone else, right? I went with the groom & best man to watch them get fitted for their tuxes. We signed off on a marriage license and picked out a first dance song and my wonderful maid of honor handmade me <a href=”https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/228431_10150238863262889_505417888_8646596_3329733_n.jpg” target=”_blank”>a brooch bouquet that is the most amazing thing anyone’s ever done for me. She’s throwing me a bachelorette party, of which the itinerary is still a surprise. All I’ve ever wanted is a surprise party. Actually, all I ever wanted was a surprise party (or romantic evening) that I didn’t have to mention/insinuate/plan first, but this is a hell of a close second.
And in my free time (??), you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been eating cake and drinking Guinness and stressing right the fuck out and I DON’T KNOW WHY.
It’s all organized (to say the least). It’s fine, it’s good, it’s square, it’s covered. My vendors are fantastic, it’s at my work, there have been so many people going out of their way to help me or comp me or give me discounts. My close friends will be there, my mom and in-laws will be meeting for the first time in ten years, and we’re going to have the greatest weekend ever. It’s all gravy, baby, so WHY. AM I. STRESSING. Why is it that whenever I’m alone in my car I suddenly burst into tears? Why am I not at the gym, or happily stretched out on the yoga mat? Why did I pick up an entire fudge cake and eat ALL OF IT!?
On top of this, there is a small itty-bitty spark of potential for a late-summer art show. Isn’t this what I’ve always wanted?
Let me take a deep, deep breathe, exhale, and focus.
I was getting my car checked out the other day (oil change, some replacement lights, etc), and was sketching. That was one of the things I sketched. One of the employees (because I was there for close to three hours) asked me what I was drawing, so I hesitated and said “Well, this is just kind of doodling. It’s not awesome. It’s just a random whatever, but um…” and he said, “MAN WTF ARTISTS ALWAYS SAY THAT WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING”.
It was a cupcake. Okay? A cupcake. I like drawing them. Sometimes I paint them, and sometimes they come out like this:
He said: “Man, that’s just fine. That’s a good sketch and there’s nothing wrong with it. I can’t draw a cupcake for sh/t. You got skill.”
I don’t feel like I have skill because I look up to people like Craola and Mister Cartoon and Banksy. *THEY* have skill. I just have …whatever it is that I have, and don’t feel like it’s very good at all.
And then, just moments ago, I saw this article:
How To Steal Like An Artist and 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me.
You know what that means? All those things I’ve been thinking about, blogging, art, whatever, there is no good reason for me not to do them. I don’t do them because I feel like I’ll be judged. The internet is different now (than my heyday) and I’m scared of judgment.
So……… I don’t know what will happen, but I’m going to save that article, and remind myself that it’s okay to draw cupcakes all to my heart’s content, even if they do look like shit. Because it’s my shit, and that’s what counts.
Also, no more cake tonight.