What Are You Saying, Really?

A friend of mine is in town for the weekend. It was the first time seeing him in several years, and the first time ever meeting his boyfriend. They were both interesting people. My friend has calmed down and matured considerably since we last saw each other, and it was good to hear he has a plan to move back to town (with his new beau). We had Mexican food, went to the zoo, chatted and had a nice time. I have my hopes up at rekindling a friendship – not that we were ever unfriendly with each other, but time and distance changes people.

After the zoo, I sat quietly on my living room couch. The TV was off, the breeze was on. I read about a woman who worked in an asylum but ended up living in the woods because her patients had all been killed off during an intentional outbreak of typhus.

My mental space has been strange lately. This is either helped or hindered by the increase in my reading selection – lots of horror, fantasy, fiction. My head has hurt for several hours and it feels fragile. Like an egg about to splinter. My husband is playing some version of GTA and I have a very clear vision of shoving his monitor off the desk, but that would end badly for everyone.

I’ve been drawing weird things. There is no other option, it feels like my hand is forced to produce this overabundance of art. It’s just flowing. Images of gates and gardens and dark rooms with too many books.

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Lately, with the dawn of New Facebook, I have started to hate social media. I might have started to hate my “friends”. There is at least one person per week that goes on my blocked-from-view list, which is an interesting experiment with the human psyche. Is that even the right wording? Social media non-interaction. You add these people that you know, or don’t know, and then you tire of them quickly. It might be because they have nothing to say. A hundred and forty characters of absolutely nothing to say. Does it mean they are worthless as people? Trivial? I don’t know. I don’t claim to. But I do know that Facebook is bringing out the worst in people. Did you know they’ve extended the character limit on their status update? I noticed it almost immediately because it went from random vague updates about what they’d eaten for lunch or how their favorite sports team did, to someone posting a wall of text. It was a chain letter type, of course. Pass this status update on or die or don’t pass it on or do and if you don’t do it by next Tuesday at 3 o’clock sharp you’ll never have clean laundry again.

There is so much e-noise in my life. Three consistent email accounts. Facebook, Twitter, Livejournal. I check them all obsessively; they’re tied to my phone. There’s no need to, and yet I do. It’s like I’m searching for something. I don’t want to miss a moment, a photo, a potential connection.

I’m going to take a hiatus from social media because it feels like every time I open Facebook a million people are screaming absolutely nothing at all. It’s making me hate everyone. I’m just there for the photos right now, but if I post that I’m taking a hiatus, either I won’t or this terrible fear will come to light. The fear that …nothing will happen, which is basically correct. The Internet will go on and it won’t miss me. It won’t be a structured hiatus, where I announce – all pomp and circumstance – that my account Will Be Deleted and Give Me Your Phone Numbers and Hey By The Way I’m Leaving Just For A Little Bit, Perhaps A Week. I could never delete my account on purpose, but I don’t mind going away. Quietly making sure all the doors and windows are secured, but leaving a light and the TV on to make it look like someone is home, when really I’m off having a very nice lunch somewhere. By myself.

Sometimes I miss my old friends very much. I’ve been meaning to call them, individually, and catch up. Via phone. That reminds me I’m also planning on using my phone as a phone only this week. Just for calls. We’ll see how it goes; I’ll try to leave it in the car during work. People that need me in an emergency can reach me at my office, so it’ll be okay.

When did the Internet become less of something that you dialed up to connect, and more of something you had to forcibly go away from? I think it may have been the smartphones that did it. It scares me.

Things have changed for me lately, and that’s why I’m feeling so much like an island. There has been a weird ripple in the web of my friends, and I think I need to take time just for me. Focus on writing, blogging, art, health, fitness. Focus…on me. Spend time – real time – with people who matter.

I just want to go away from the Facebook sort of thing for awhile. Lately, mostly since getting sick (which has now become my life), the things I like to do involve doing things one at a time. Focusing. It gives me great pleasure to sit in a clean, quiet room with the window open and the breeze coming in. Maybe there’s a bird chirping, maybe the cat is letting me pet him. Just one or two things are happening.

I can’t have the TV on while reading because it makes my head feel weird right now. So I’ll sit and watch TV, then I’ll turn it off and draw for a little bit. I’ll leave the house to find a quiet spot somewhere – who would have thought such a place existed in this city of no parking spots? – and sit there, just looking. I just want to look. I don’t want to talk or touch or do anything, I just want to observe. At work, paper will come to me and I’ll sort it into neat little piles of boring certainty. I’ll process it according to whatever necessary self-proclaimed policy comes into mind, and if anyone ever asks me for that one piece of paper, it can proudly shine from its’ PDF display or its’ binder and there, at last, my processing will be validated.

No one ever asks me for the proof, usually. I don’t want them to.

But a social media hiatus will be nice. Not all media, because after blowing the dust of any sort of writing skill I have, it’s the blogs out there that make me really happy. Like in the good days of LiveJournal, where you’d become close friends with a screen name that you had never – would never – meet. Sometimes you got to meet them and then it was A Big Deal. I really, really miss that. I miss the good bloggers, the people who (even if they were just updating about their day) would tell you about the EXPERIENCE that was their day. They cared! Maybe they locked their posts because they didn’t want to share with the world, but they wanted to share *something*. They wrote, they gave a shit. Sometimes they’d say, “Oh, I’m not the greatest writer”, but they’d write anyway, and that was nice. It’s good to have the words out there. There were communities, and that was fun. Vox came along and it started to feel like old LiveJournal, but then it went away. Now there’s WordPress, though I am only slowly realizing just how connected it is. It’s a good place, like an old coffeehouse, but it still feels like the waitresses don’t know my name. I wish they did, and I’m going to work on being more active here. I’m going to work on not screening myself so much. We used to have “LJ-cut”, which was where you’d basically make an HTML tag that was like “Click here to read more”, because you didn’t want to clog up your friends’ feed with all that text.

I like text. I like reading. I don’t (currently) like small character status non-updates.

Facebook right now feels like cutting. You go and open the wound just because you want to see what’s inside, and you realize there’s nothing good coming from it.

People don’t have shit to say right now, and they’re clogging up the Internet. I get very quietly angry when I see my “friends” give serious lack of effort to what they’re saying. Punctuation? No. Spelling? Fuck no! Who cares?!? Who REALLY cares, I mean, I updated from my PHONE – WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!

I hate it all, sometimes.

We went to the same classes, had the same teachers. We (sort of) had the same parents. Your family knew mine, we all tried to stay out of trouble, and I can’t fathom why you don’t care that you’re coming across as an illiterate fool. Do you not ctrl+t so that you can Google how to properly spell a word? Do you even know what ctrl+t does? I might have been a nerd in high school, but I will never regret getting an education. It hurts me when people say they slept through school “bcuz it didnt fukin matter”. That sort of stupidity can’t be fixed just by updating via a non-mobile device.

I mean, do you know what you look like when you type that stuff? Do you care? You don’t, I know. We know. You know. Or maybe you don’t know – or care – and that’s the terrifying thing. You SHOULD care. You should realize that people will be able to read what you’ve written, and judge you. Maybe you’re one of those people who delete your profile a lot. Why do you do that? Do you really have nothing to share?

That’s harsh. Not everyone cares about social media enough to share their lives with the world, and that’s fine. It is, really. But it seems like… the less people are online, the less important they are? That’s phrased as a question because I’m not sure of the right words to describe the feeling in my head. Maybe I don’t like how plugged in I am. Maybe it bothers me if people don’t know about technology. But I know some good people who aren’t really online, so it’s not that. It’s more the re-inventing. Rephrasing what I said above, what really bothers me is when somebody comes up with a fake profile name, for example, “MissAmanda YouSoAmazing”, and all they do is post photos of their kids in a yard with some dirty toys. Or the games they play make status updates for them. A week later they delete their profile, then start a new one, and it’s the same shit. It irritates me.

So, that said, I am going to do my best to just stay away from Facebook for the next week or so. The addict in me is screaming “But WHAT IF YOU MISS SOMETHING”, and the rational side of me is saying “There’s nothing to miss”. I won’t make a big deal, and I won’t say I’m not going to log in at all, but I am going to hold onto that feeling of logging in and frantically scrolling to find that THERE IS NO GOOD STUFF.

It’s not that I hate my friends. It’s not that I’m better than anybody. But it’s just been too overwhelming lately and I have this need to get away for awhile. I mean, what are they all saying? REALLY? No one seems to be saying anything, and you have to dig to get to the ones who actually are.

When it just feels like walking into a crowded high school cafeteria, with everyone screaming all at once, it’s time to take a break.

This wasn’t the most cheerful post, but it’s how I feel, and that’s alright. I’m tired of putting on a happy face all the time. To quote from my old days: “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

Where the hell are we all going to go from here?

I just saw a Freshly Pressed and it made me terribly sad but also …I agree.
http://biblioklept.org/2011/09/25/oh-well-whatever-nevermind-kurt-cobain-reconsidered/

There won’t be another Beatles or another Sex Pistols–there won’t be another group that challenges our collective cultural sensibility to make a large jump. There won’t even be an Elvis or a Madonna, a performer that challenges our ethics and morality. Instead, we will continue to have watered-down crap on mainstream media, as well as plenty of choices for those who take the time to look. But those choices will be marginalized, kept on the sidelines out of mainstream American-consciousness, and what we’ll lose is an opportunity to progress and enrich the entirety of our culture. Who knows though–I could be wrong; perhaps I’m just old and out of touch. Perhaps a wholly new and dynamic artist or group will come out that will capture the anti-establishment roots of rock and roll and inspirit a new and dramatically different course in contemporary youth culture. But I don’t see it happening again. I hope I’m wrong.

I hope you’re wrong too, buddy, but I have a bad feeling that you’re not.

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7 thoughts on “What Are You Saying, Really?

  1. Sarah says:

    Last year I deleted facebook for about six weeks. I think about three people noticed. (My mom didn’t even notice). I didn’t miss about 98% of facebook, but it was that 2% that got me to reactivate my account. Mostly for keeping up with my family and select friends that I get to see once a year if I am lucky. But mostly it just seems like so much unnecessary noise.

    I appreciate your blog. I stumbled upon it through one of your facebook statuses a while back. I would like to start one myself, but I am equally afraid that a) no one would read it, or b) everyone I know would read it.

    Is it weird that because of the internet I almost feel like I know you a better now that we live 2800 miles away from each other than when we lived three blocks away from one another? P.S. the labyrinthitis does not sound like fun at all. Hope you are feeling better.

    • Larissa Horvath says:

      Yay, comment from you!

      It really does seem that way, you know? A couple posts back I picked some random status updates from my FB feed and posted them. Out of context, they’re just insane…and it’s not like they even had a context to begin with. It really bothers me.

      Many thanks on the appreciation! :))) I really appreciate your readership, and your awesomeness. 😉 The thing with blogging is that if you do it, just do it. A little part of me writes for the invisible audience, but most of me just writes to get the words out there. Getting older I’ve started to revert back to having no filter, which is kind of nice. :)) So if you do start one, do it for you. Everything else will kind of fall into place.

      I don’t know if “weird” is the phrase… but I know what you mean. My mentality has been the same for so long, but with writing and the web, I have an outlet. It allows me to put up all the stuff I could never say – because you can’t just go to someone and be all “LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT MAH PLANTS!!!!!!!!!” with quite the same excitement. Haha! Writing has always been one of my favorite things to do, and it started with an email newsletter back in 2001. Blogs just sort of came naturally, because of livejournal. Even calling it “the blogosphere” seems a little strange and fake just because of doing all this for so long.

      Hopefully you’ll stick around. :))

      And yes, the labyrinthitis is the worst shit I’ve ever had to go through. The past two days have been pretty good, but I’m crossing my fingers for the weekend. Getting a lot of sleep seems to help it but it kind of …fakes me out. Thanks though!

  2. Ethan Dimitroff says:

    It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d definitely donate to this outstanding blog! I guess for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to brand new updates and will talk about this website with my Facebook group. Chat soon!

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